I have been battling this in my mind for a while.
Since starting the blog I have been complimented on its cheeriness, the joy in it, and the happiness. I have been told I am true to myself, and to not hinder what I write just because I am aware of who reads it and what they may think. As much as I want to be true to myself, I have found I have still tempered it, I have tried to be sensitive about certain things, and sometimes not write anything at all rather than offend. But today I have something I need to write. This is something that is incredibly important to me, and it is something that affects me and I need to make sure that it is understood properly.
I suffer from depression.
I would like to say it is borderline, as it has never stopped me from functioning and I can continue with my day to day life.
The first period I can honestly remember was when I came to the UK after finishing school. I was a nanny in a little village, with no friends and no life. I worked 7am-7pm all week and I spent all weekend in bed. I hated it, and just wanted to go home. Since then it has come and gone, but I never stopped to label it, I just thought I was being melodramatic and moody. After having Scout I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression. PND blows my mind - you have a beautiful new baby, what the hell is there to be depressed about? Then I did my research - yes, you know how I love my research - and I realised it wasn't my fault, it wasn't anything I could control and it was the chemicals in my brain not working together as they should. I went onto Anti-Depressants and it was the best thing I could've done for myself, Adam and our baby daughter. A day came when I just knew I was doing better and together with my GP I weaned myself off them. And I was okay. For the most part. In times of intense stress I feel myself falling under again - it is like being sucked underwater. You know it is happening but I tell myself to fight it, and I try so hard, and am so damn hard on myself instead of just giving myself the release to go and get help. When Adam left on this trip in was a concern in both our minds, and for a while I really felt myself being pulled down again - I hadn't had any work for 6 months, money was INCREDIBLY tight, the weather kept us indoors, I felt lonely and isolated...I thought maybe I needed to see the doctor again - Adam phoned from the ship and we had a lengthy discussion about it. Then it all seemed to change at once; Eliza, then Fred started with me, the weather broke and we finally had sunshine ( I am a huge believer in sunshine-D ), it all seemed to finally be going our way. And I thought perhaps I was okay. But in these last three months I have kept a very close track on my moods. I LOVE Devon, I really love being down here and I love our friends. On the most part things are really good....but under it all things are not quite right. My moods are too extreme - happy one day and quite sad the next. And it is a real struggle to shrug off the unhappiness. I put on a very brave face for all my kids - I keep our days ram-packed with stuff, so that I am being mechanical and have no time to dwell on the emotional. But, it has got to a point where it is now not enough. After a few very difficult days I have decided to go back onto the meds. I am not sure if it is even worth asking if I would need them if Ads were home, because right now our situation is that he isn't, and try as I may I just need to accept that for now I need a little help. I am lucky that I have some people close to me who take AD's and they are so supportive and kind and helpful. I also know depression can be very difficult to understand. I am still me, I still do my day to day things, but I just struggle and become overwhelmed really easily. I still laugh and joke and am happy. Depression doesn't have to mean lying in a dark room not eating and sleeping - yes in chronic cases it can - but not me. I know it is not a state of mind and I know I don't coddle and nurture it - if anything I try and fight it. I also know when it is time to get help, and the time for me is now.
I wanted to write this because I didn't want to carry on with the blog and as people find out be surprised because the blog has not reflected doom and gloom. When I post about a happy day, know that for me it was a happy day. Know that my head is mostly above water but I am giving myself a life-jacket.
I wanted to write this because I want the people in my life to understand depression, and how it affects me.
I wanted to write this because depression affects more of us than you think, and maybe it might help someone.
I also include this link, it is a very brief overview of depression, but a good starting point.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/depression.htm
mY jOY:
Scout is playing with her "special" toys next to me - these are the toys she doesn't have to share with the childminded kids, and she takes such delight pulling things out the box. Her favourite? I silly Christmas game that is basically drawing straws - the straws actually look like lollypop sticks, and they get put back into their tube through a hole in the lid. From when she was a baby she has systematically removed them, then fed them back making her "mmmmmm" noise. I am glad at nearly three, nothing has changed!
