cat wars

Since moving to our new house I have had one major gripe, and that is, cats! Now I like cats, i really do. however, I do not like cat poo....in my garden....nor on my patio.....and it seems for quite some time the neighbourhood cats thought ours was the toilet. I tried laying netting down on the grass, they laughed at me, I tried water in plastic bottles....they moved from the grass to said patio and added a furball for effect. I was pretty pissed off. Walking downstairs every morning become akin to walking to the gallows to find what present had been left for me. I was not going to buy an eletronic cat thing because they cost the earth and I would NOT be forced out of pocket for something that had only a so so chance of working. So I turned to facebook. Well the tips came rolling in, and I decided to try my Aunty Peggy's advice of spraying vinegar - apparently the smell is too much for a sensitive feline nostril.Well the vinegar has worked a treat. I religiously spray it all over the walls and garden. Getting used to it smelling like a fish and chip shop took a while but it is worth it as all cats have dispersed...until yesterday evening. Oh yes, there sitting on the wall was a fat, black and very facetious cat...just daring me. I glared at him ( I know it was a male as only men are so brazen), he glared at me. We stood like cowboys, ready for a showdown. I twitched my fingers, he twitched his tail. Keeping one eyeball on him I used the other to glance at the pellet gun on the top shelf. I decided this would not work as he could blantantly see me through the window ...as would any neighbours and who knows what they would be telling the 999 operative about the crazy cat woman. So feigning indifference I turned on the ball of my foot and walked out of his line of sight. He was unpert urbed. I went into the kitchen and filled my biggest pot with cold water, throwing some ice blocks in for good measure. I was secretly hoping one would lodge itself in his retreating arse. I walked out the back door. Again he was completely disdainful of me, this was his downfall, he had underestimated the stealthiness of a woman gone mad by cat poo. I retrieved my pot from the window ledge, crept up the stairs, I was flattened completely against the wall, around the shed and all the way to its end. This was it. My target was less than a meter away around the corner. In my head I calculated the exact sequence of motion I would need for maximum impact. I took a big breath....then another...then I sprung into action. The cat did not have the required time to respond and he knew, as I did in those split seconds, that I would score a direct hit. He did all that he could , and thatr was a swift and very undignified retreat with a triumphant yodelling echoing in his ears. I won. I bloody won, and no black cat will be depositing anything in this yard. Go spread the word ye furry feline. I WILL NOT TAKE SHIT LYING DOWN.

This is not my handiwork, but someone I know felt their cat too needed to be taught a lesson...(nah in actual fact she said she was cooling it down because of the horrific heat in London.....all 30 degrees of it)