I have just been reading a magazine article about the trappings of guilt, and this page in particular was headed "There is no such thing as a perfect family" - yes, I concur with that, we all have ideals of what a perfect family is and very often the reality and fantasy are two very different things. But this paragraph really sparked my grey mass:
We are all brought up - to a greater or lesser extent - to marshall our deepest feelings. We are taught as children to reign in our desires and difficult emotions, not to express our frustration in the face of disappointment, or our jealousy of others.
Looking back on my childhood, this is certainly in evidence. We were brought up to respect our parents, and elders; and were expected as children to be seen and not heard. Now there is nothing wrong with this school of thought per se. It worked brilliantly on my sisters....but not me. I have always been verbose in my emotions. It was never explained to me why I couldn't say the "wrong" thing or express an undesirable emotion. I was just told it was not allowed, and all I ever wanted was to know was why. In hindsight I think my parents did a good job parenting us. Sure as a teenager I would've loved a mom like my best friend's, who came out clubbing with us, but as an adult I really appreciate that my mom didn't. I like that as an adult I still have a healthy respect for them.
But what really made me think as I read this article is that right now Miss Mouse is at that tricky stage in her life where we are conditioning her emotions. No, she may not throw a temper tantrum, and no, she must not say she isn't someone's friend just because they won't play hide and seek with her. To an effect we are already guilting her with things like "it isn't kind to say you won't be her friend, it makes her sad and you don't want her to be sad do you?" And in effect all this makes me sad. We have to mould her to suit what is expected in society. If she throws a strop at the age of nearly four then eyebrows would be raised, and words like brat might float through the minds' on observers. But I don't think Mouse is a brat. I think she is spirited and strong-willed. And no, that is not me making a cop-out . I certainly don't have rose-tinted glasses on as far as her behaviour goes. I know she can be a complete rubbish at times. I think, much to Mr. A's dismay, that she is like me. She is expressive in her emotions. When she feels things, good and bad, you know all about it. And really, who are we to say that it is wrong? As her parents all we can do is guide her along, and just maybe temper her extremes, and I don't think telling her she is wrong, or unkind, or naughty is the way forward either...there is no perfect solution for parenting. I think each child is different and needs to be treated as such. I like that Mouse has the freedom to express her outrage, frustration, sadness....so what if these are "undesirable" emotions. They are her emotions, they belong to her and it is not for us to take them away, just maybe try and make her understand why she feels that way, and the repercussions those feelings have on those around her....but not yet. No, for now I am going to let her be a little girl, and I am going to let her feel....guilt free.
