My darling Mr A.

How wonderful to hear your voice today. It lifted my soul so high, although next time you call can you make sure there are no clouds over Malaysia so that your satellite phone works for more than a few minutes at a time. I eventually hung my phone around my neck on a ribbon to be sure I was just seconds away from answering it should you manage to get through again!
I am pleased you are enjoying your new "catch, kill and cook you own" dinner, sadly however that habit will have to come to an end when you get home - badger nor fox are very tasty Honey...and it would be a sacrilege to braai Popple.
As for swimming with crocodiles....at first I was very concerned but you did reassure me that you throw grenades into the water to deter them from snacking on Royals. I have had a thought about this though...could you possibly ' accidentally ' throw a grenade AT a croc, and bring home the skin for a new pair of shoes? AND if you do the job right, there should be enough left over for a handbag and belt - Posh Spice lookout, Nolicool is taking over as the most ridiculous fashion icon.
I know you are really suffering with the prickly heat, and even your description of it being like pinpricks all over you back does little to evoke any sympathy as we have had POO weather for 3 weeks now, but the weatherman did say there would be temps of 20 degrees this week....IN LONDON!
I think my biggest concern, like yours, are the snakes, spiders and other lurking nasties, please be careful to avoid them and check you sleeping bag before you get it, and your boots before you put them on. I am also highly stressed about the leeches....darling I know they aim for the most delicate of your anatomy, but as Scout seems to have changed her mind about having a sibling, can you just be extra-cautious in protecting the crown jewels?

We really do miss you, and for us the countdown to your return has begun.
Be safe Mr A. , and please come home in one piece!

All my love and devotion
Your wife